Rescuing Myself

It was a difficult, yet easy, decision. My life has been crazy (and exhausting) for two and a half years now. I’ve been going so fast that the view had become a painful blur as I watched life pass me by. I had become a passive passenger on a very personal journey. I have been busy being….well, busy. That’s not living, and I really miss my life.

I’ve spent the last two weeks examining my current existence (notice I did not use the word “life”). I am up at 4 a.m. to get myself ready for work and to umpire the kids while they get ready for school. I’m out the door by 6 a.m., returning home by 6 p.m. Then it’s time for dinner and two hours of homework intermingled with household chores. After shooing the kids into bed, I settle myself around 10 p.m. with the promise of more of the same tomorrow. Weekends are no better, still full of homework and household chores that didn’t get done during the week. I was stressed out, exhausted, and cranky as hell.

It has been miserable. It has robbed me of my joy.

It. what is “it”?

“It” was my dream, or rather what I understood to be my dream.

I want to write. Always have and always will. So, I did the logical thing two and half years ago and enrolled part-time in college to pursue a degree in English / Creative Writing.

But, and here’s the kicker, I had zero time to write, zero time to do the one thing my spirit craves more than anything. I have been so busy learning how to write that I didn’t have time to actually write. Anything. Not even in my journal. My ideas dried up because I wasn’t being inspired. Story lines disappeared because I was too worried about algebra homework. Reading is an integral part of writing and I haven’t been able to do that, either.

More than that, though, my family was suffering, too. I have missed so many swim-meets, football games, softball games, and tournaments. I can’t get those  back. I have missed precious time with my family. I know, now, that this is the reason I have lost my joy and my inspiration. I wasn’t participating in life. I wasn’t living.

So, I decided to put my foot on the brakes. I needed to gain some perspective and center myself before I got knocked completely off my axis. I realized how much I missed the beautiful view of my life, and chose to exit the speeding vehicle so that I can stroll once again.

I’ve only dropped one term at school, just to give myself some time to become immersed in my life again and to figure things out. I’ve had one week without homework and my brain hasn’t made the adjustment yet, still feeling like I should be “doing” something. I have given myself time to clarify my dream, and to include my family in that decision this time.

So, here’s to living and knowing that joy and inspiration are waiting for me in the form of my family and experience. I look forward to writing what I know. And, I’m secretly thrilled that I don’t have to do any more algebra homework. Blech.

 

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