2016 is proving to be a year of reflection for me. I’m not doing it on purpose, though. It was not some sort of resolution. I suppose it’s just where my mind has settled for some reason. I want to live a better life, and that requires some soul-searching. My next few posts will be dedicated to what I’m learning about myself during this process. So, here goes.
Self-sabotage. That’s what I do, and I’m really good at it. I am a princess of procrastination, because I’ve had years of practice. Just ask my mother.
I don’t know why I do it. I certainly don’t gain anything positive from it. Yet, I struggle with it on a daily basis in my personal life. I start every day with good intentions. Putting those intentions into action, however, is where I fall apart.
Why do I do that?!
This has been a hard question to answer, and I don’t like what my mind conjures in response. Do I enjoy putting more pressure on myself? Absolutely not; I get enough of that at work. Do I like complaining because I didn’t get something done? That would just be crazy (and painful because there’s a ring of truth to that).
But this is exactly what happens when I choose to put something off.
Yes, it is a choice. So, why would I choose to make my life harder?
I have no idea. Honestly, I don’t.
The only conclusion that I can come to is that I am a time-waster. I find meaningless activities to occupy my time, rather than doing the things that have importance to myself and my family. Then, I complain about not having enough time in the day to accomplish my goals.
There’s the complaining again.
The reality is, I have no one to blame but myself, thereby removing any right I have to complain about anything.
One week ago, I posted about losing my joy. But after further thought, it seems that I’m the one who’s responsible for shoving it in a corner.
Bottom line, I am responsible for my own happiness. To put that kind of pressure on my family is ridiculous, and unfair. Let’s face it: their happiness is a direct byproduct of my happiness.
So, I’m making a list of what makes me happy and making a vow to myself to incorporate those things back into my life, while removing the time-wasters that I’ve collected over the last couple of years. I will write about my journey on this blog, as a reminder to myself as to it’s necessity for a full life.
I want to live, not just simply exist. I want to experience life, not just mark things off of an ill-conceived to-do list.
I want to take care of myself, physically and mentally, so that I can take better care of my family.
No more self-sabotage and whining. It’s time to fight myself.