Self-Sabotage

2016 is proving to be a year of reflection for me. I’m not doing it on purpose, though. It was not some sort of resolution. I suppose it’s just where my mind has settled for some reason. I want to live a better life, and that requires some soul-searching. My next few posts will be dedicated to what I’m learning about myself during this process. So, here goes.

Self-sabotage. That’s what I do, and I’m really good at it. I am a princess of procrastination, because I’ve had years of practice. Just ask my mother.

I don’t know why I do it. I certainly don’t gain anything positive from it. Yet, I struggle with it on a daily basis in my personal life. I start every day with good intentions. Putting those intentions into action, however, is where I fall apart.

Why do I do that?!

This has been a hard question to answer, and I don’t like what my mind conjures in response. Do I enjoy putting more pressure on myself? Absolutely not; I get enough of that at work. Do I like complaining because I didn’t get something done? That would just be crazy (and painful because there’s a ring of truth to that).

But this is exactly what happens when I choose to put something off.

Yes, it is a choice. So, why would I choose to make my life harder?

I have no idea. Honestly, I don’t.

The only conclusion that I can come to is that I am a time-waster. I find meaningless activities to occupy my time, rather than doing the things that have importance to myself and my family. Then, I complain about not having enough time in the day to accomplish my goals.

There’s the complaining again.

The reality is, I have no one to blame but myself, thereby removing any right I have to complain about anything.

One week ago, I posted about losing my joy. But after further thought, it seems that I’m the one who’s responsible for shoving it in a corner.

Self-sabotage.

Bottom line, I am responsible for my own happiness. To put that kind of pressure on my family is ridiculous, and unfair. Let’s face it: their happiness is a direct byproduct of my happiness.

So, I’m making a list of what makes me happy and making a vow to myself to incorporate those things back into my life, while removing the time-wasters that I’ve collected over the last couple of years. I will write about my journey on this blog, as a reminder to myself as to it’s necessity for a full life.

I want to live, not just simply exist. I want to experience life, not just mark things off of an ill-conceived to-do list.

I want to take care of myself, physically and mentally, so that I can take better care of my family.

No more self-sabotage and whining. It’s time to fight myself.

 

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