I can only speak for myself, but I’m betting that some of you may recognize the behaviors I’m going to talk about. My priorities are so screwed up right now that I’m writing this post primarily to benefit myself. I need to hear what I’m saying, and I want to hear from others who have experienced the same thing. This is brutal honesty.
Work has been a mad-house for the last six months or so due to management changes, and has demanded more of my time. The stress-level has increased exponentially, and I don’t see that changing any time soon, unfortunately. In the meantime, I’m still attending school and trying my best to balance my home-life in the midst of it all.
But, I am failing miserably at home.
Have you ever heard the saying “if mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy”? At this moment in time, I am the embodiment of that. And, I hate myself for it.
So, I had to ask myself why I’m not happy. The answers I came up with only make me feel like a selfish bitch.
I am resentful. I resent that I have to work so hard only to come home to a house that looks like a bomb went off. I resent that the 3 hours I have before bedtime are full of cooking, cleaning, and doing my homework. I resent that I only have time for a quick shower in the morning before work as opposed to a long soak in a hot bath before bed. I resent always feeling exhausted and burnt out.
I resent having to neglect myself. Outside of homework, I haven’t been able to write and that makes me sad. That’s the single thing that is truly mine, as an individual, and I’ve lost that.
I know that my life is no different from most working mothers. These are the sacrifices that we make for our families. I love my family, and I know full-well how blessed I am.
But, damn. I’m tired.
I asked my mom once how she managed a full-time job while raising five kids. She told me that she cried alot.
It makes my heart hurt when I hear the snappish replies coming from my mouth toward my family. I’m not that person, and I know they don’t understand. My mother wasn’t that person, either, but I didn’t know that at the time. I totally get it now.
So, I guess my question is, how do I find balance? I know this isn’t a permanent situation (thank God!), but I have to figure out a way to deal with it until it’s over. I don’t like the person I’ve become, and I hate the way I’m responding to my family. I’m grouchy from lack of sleep, and basically overreact to everything. I’m making my family just as miserable as I am.
I’m normally a very joyful person. I’ve lost my joy. I want it back, and I’m willing to fight for it. I’m willing to, for my family. They deserve better than what I’m giving them right now.
I’m asking for advice. If you’ve been where I am now, how did you get through it? Quitting my job is not an option. What coping mechanisms, if any, worked for you?